A Do-Over...

Sometimes you just wish you could have a Do-Over. 

I know I do. And last night is one of those times...

I had made plans on Monday to see a movie, on Tuesday night, with my friend Lori. A movie that I had been wanting to see for a couple of weeks now. A movie in the middle of a school week, no less. Something I never do, so I saw this as a real treat. Just two friends. Two moms with school-age teenagers at home. I asked. She agreed and plans were made. I had tidied up the house earlier with a list of a few chores I wanted Luke and Jude to complete while I was gone.

Dinner was made: garlic roasted pork chops seasoned with rosemary and thyme, steamed broccoli, homemade mac-n-cheese, and sliced cantaloupe.

During dinner I had briefed them both on the list and my expectations. They consented. I later dropped Jude off at Scouts; he was expected to rank up to LIFE Scout last night and I was one proud mama! Luke headed off to work-out up at the gym with intentions of working on his homework afterwards.

In my mind, the evening and my expected plans were going to be highly successful. I mean... the house was clean (except for the few chores I had left for them to complete), my kiddos were fed a delicious and nutritious meal, I was headed out to watch a movie I had been looking forward to for some time, Jude was ranking up in Scouts, Luke had shown initiative to continue his workouts even in the midst of being a full-time athlete and student... tonight was going to be a good night.

As I drove Jude to Scouts to drop him off on my way to the movies, I wondered about my friend's daughter. Her nighttime schedule had me a little conflicted (home alone after a certain time until her mom returned from a movie commitment that I had asked of her). I continued to think through this on my way to the movies. Upon arrival, it was brought to mine and Lori's attention that my desired movie was not going to be shown at the advertised time listed on their website and they would be happy to give us passes for another movie or to return and watch 'All Saints' at a later date.

While the manager had been working out these details, I brought up my concerns to Lori about her daughter. If she was fine with it, I was more than happy to have her hang out at the house until we arrived back home. Luke and Jude would be there, working on chores and homework (in my mind), and at least she would be with friends while waiting. After asking Abigail her wishes, plans were made and she would hang out at my house until the movie ended.

We tossed around the idea of just grabbing coffee, since the movie wasn't available, or looking into another showing. The manager highly recommended 'Wind River' and we redeemed our free passes for the 7:30 showing versus the 7:10 of 'All Saints'. The newly renovated theater had us sitting in reclinable, leather dining chairs in a more private style viewing. What appeared to be lemons at the checkout counter had turned to lemonade inside the Theater 13. 

The 20 extra minutes gave us valuable time to catch up on chit-chat that we both had been looking forward to. And we took full advantage of it. I had texted both Luke and Jude to fill them in on movie time changes and how it would be closer to 10 before I would be arriving home. There was no need to remind them of any other expectations regarding their chores because that had been discussed previously and I had written them down as a friendly reminder...

The movie started, and even though it was a good movie, it did not have the same theme of hope and restoration that 'All Saints' was projected to have. It had a more dark and sinister tone, and it was leaving my heart heavier instead of lighter, as initially intended. There was even a saying quoted in the movie that was along the lines of, '

'Out here it is about survival. If you don't survive, you surrender.' 

One ray of sunshine that popped in was a text from Jude...
I made LIFE!
...the irony in that statement as compared to the happenings on the screen.

The movie ended and we headed home. I texted and spoke with both boys prior to leaving.
Jude had alluded to not getting anything done on the list, but that they were well and would see me soon.

I arrived home, said good-byes to Lori and Abigail, and looked around at the house. Nothing had been accomplished that I had asked of them... on the list that is.

And what I had hoped and planned for came tumbling down. I questioned them. They gave no legitimate answers that satisfied my reasoning as to why they had not done what I had asked. In fact, a comment of, 'I forgot' was even mentioned. Forget! Forget? How could you forget? I brought it to your attention during dinner, I even alluded to being able to 'trust' you, and I had it written down on a piece of paper for your convenience.

I will spare the details, but my questioning towards them was received defensively from one party, in particular. And his defensiveness and reasoning was making the matters worse. Couple the disrespectful tones and words with full blown hormonal testosterone and you have the makings of something not too pleasant. The other participant was a quite and observant by-stander and felt no need to interject his thoughts in the moment.

And then I caught myself.
My perceived, successful happy ending to a night away did not go at all as I had planned and their response was taken personally. I had seen it as a rejection on me. My hopes of being able to trust them with responsibilities had proven to be unsuccessful and maybe I had failed at properly training them. Who knows to be honest what actually happened in those few moments, but I had enough discernment to quickly size it up...

Boys and girls are different. There was an obvious problem.
Girl: I had asked for results and envisioned it coming to fruition. I anticipated full cooperation from my well-trained teenagers.
Boy: Plans changed. I'll be a mindful host and delay responsibilities.
Girl: Noticing the lack of any attention to any requests, takes their responses personally.
Boy: Notices that mom's desired wishes had not been met, decides to complete all tasks before heading off to bed.
Girl: Doesn't want this action or behavior in this moment. Declines help. Makes a condescending remark about being to late.
Boy: Continues to assist mom and gets more angry when she denies his help.

Girl just wanted help in advance. Boy just wants to now fix the problem.

So there you have my evening in a nutshell.

After tenderly telling the angry boy that I genuinely am sorry, I overreacted, and asked if he would forgive me, he reluctantly walked away and later to bed. I began working on some of the chores that had been listed and I heard reactions from afar that were continued results of a frustrated teen. And then I heard sobs coming from another location. My gut instinct was telling me to let the angry teen process this alone, while the one sobbing needed reassurance.
I went to him, found him knelt on the side of the bed, head in hands and visibly distraught.

I want sugar-coat it here. Times have been hard lately and the heart can only take so much. But my attention to him in this moment, along with hand-held prayers, left him with more peace as he drifted off to sleep.

I later went back to the, now more calmed teen, and again asked if he was okay. His lack of eye-to-eye contact reminded me of the moment we were in, but it was my responsibility to make things right with him regardless of his response.

Life is hard. Life has been real hard around here lately. I too went to bed with an even heavier heart than 'Wind River' could have thought about placing on me...

That comment about surviving versus surrendering stood out to me in my quite thoughts as I lay in bed. Even though the game tracker had placed such great value on surviving, my mind was finding greater peace in surrendering. I completely understand his point of view and in no way do I minimize his line of thinking. In his context, I would most certainly feel the same. But my journey over these last few months has caused me to stop battling and fighting. I am learning more and more about how to lessen the desires for my perceived outcomes. Even if I feel justified. I am learning the greater lessons in respecting their spirits versus seeing their behaviors as personal failures in moments where we don't align.

I had provoked my child to wrath and I was sorry.
I had apologized.
I had asked him for his forgiveness.
And now I was making it right with God.

This is a perfect example of why I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. And this is why His grace is so important to me...

And even though I can't get a do-over for last night, I serve a God of second chances. I am forgiven. I have another opportunity today to learn from my mistakes, to grow from them and to hopefully model what healthier and more respectful communication looks like to Luke and Jude.

Most importantly, lessons of grace and forgiveness were displayed...
wrapped up in a beautiful package of love.