I Need You To Go...

 

It has been said that a mother is only as healthy as her sickest child and only as happy as her unhappiest child. 

This is true. So true. 

And this is the message that I told Luke back in June shortly before he headed out to BASIC training.

It is no secret that our family has had its share of troubles and heartache. And if I could, I would have done things differently, but hindsight is always 20/20. Regardless, here we are on the road to recovery and continued healing and for that I am very thankful and grateful.

As Luke and I were wrapping up our time together before he left out, we went to eat at a local pizzeria. Great food, great company, great environment and great fellowship. I could tell my son was changing. 

I could hear it. I could see it.

He had not even left. But the anticipation of what was to come and the expected hope it would bring was enough to jumpstart a healthy mindset in a very uncertain 20 year old. People comment often at how proud I must be of Luke and yes, I am; but for reasons greater than what he accomplished at BASIC. I am proud of the obstacles that were in front of this young man and what he perceived as mountains to climb in order to problem solve. 

And so he set out to climb.

 There will come a time in every parent's life, regardless of how involved or less involved one may be, where they step aside, relinquish control and watch their children fly out of the nest. I saw this in Luke this summer. When our dinner had ended and we pulled in to the drive, we sat in the car and continued to chat because, well, turning off the car and walking inside would simply have disturbed the moment we were in and I did not want that to happen. 

At one point, Luke alluded to him leaving and Jude moving off to college, and the implied question was there without asking it... 'Are you going to be ok?' And that is when I told Luke,

'I need you to go. I need Jude to go. I need you both to get healthy. I need you get away from the drama that has unfolded and to find goodness. I need clarity in your lives and I need you to discern...'

I need you to go...

I continued, 

One day, if you are fortunate enough to have a child of your own or to love one as your own, you will understand what I am about to tell you. And that is when I explained to him that in order for his mom to be 'ok', in order for his mom to be healthy and happy, I need both you and Jude to get to that space and place. When this happens, Luke, your mom will be 'ok'.

He got it, as best as a twenty year old could.

Social Media posting from Luke... :)

And off he went to get healthy, find goodness, grow, learn and discern. And has he ever. Phone calls from him lately have left me in awe. And for this, I am very proud!

Jude, often my introspective child, my discerning child, my patient child, my big picture child, too has been wounded and left to find his solace by retreating into music... Music has been Jude's outlet to express his emotions when words weren't available, or likely to painful to verbalize. I am thankful for this outlet. It has given Jude a voice when he chooses not to speak, and that is often. Music is what opens conversation between Jude and I when he opts out of speaking on other matters of the heart. I see into Jude's heart and soul with his music and fortunately he allows me this access. 

The night before I took him off to college, we too had a nice meal out with family. After his grandparents had gone to bed, Jude and I stayed up talking (mostly me)... The range of emotions that eighteen year olds cycle through the night before they leave is vast. Those going off to college have prepped their whole senior year for this moment and they have been 'Big Talkers' about it too. They've got plans, they've got dreams and... they've now got insecurities.

Their knowns are about to change and the uncertainties of this can leave them nervous and unsure. Their 10ft tall confidence becomes grammar school like when they ponder on the unknown. Granted, it takes all of 2-3 hours of being on campus and being welcomed and indirectly forced into situations where they are meeting and greeting all over again and those insecurities vanish. Thankfully. But on this night they were there.

As his tender heart swelled creating a quiver in his chin and memories to leak, I told him, 'Freed is the most perfect place for you to be going. You are going to find your people Jude. And when you do... please let them see the Jude that I know.' He is guarded. He is private. And he is precious. A heart unlike anything I have known personally. My momma heart had already said good-bye to one and was about to say good-bye to the other and deep, deep down I knew this was exactly what both of them needed. A chapter was closing. A new one was about to be written. And I started to heal.

My send off of Jude was not what most momma's encountered. There was some sadness but not what most felt. It was overshadowed with so much hope and anticipation and perceived joy that I did not have time to dwell in the spaces of missing them. 

We were all about to start healing...

And that is some goodness.

Goodness like, starting a temp job and being offered full time employment when the gig was up. Goodness like, completing BASIC training and earning awards while there. Goodness like finding your people and growing your friend group with real, authentic, peers... 

Goodness was now our welcomed house guest and we were all dwelling in this space.

The Satellites picture attached to this blogpost is Jude's first song on this album that will drop on November 5th. He shared it with me a few weeks back and I am very proud of it but more so him. Like I said, he shows you who he is in his music. Stay tuned...

Luke continues to text pictures of his culinary creations and I continue to smile when they come in. We have had conversations about things that I never thought he and I would share. And we share a lot.

These two are finding their way and are being good people in the process. And for that, I am thankful...